fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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