You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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