I will die if light touches me.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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