in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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