I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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