I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
