I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
