So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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