if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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