Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
