well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
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