Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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