tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
