Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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