Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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