I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
