I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i think my mom watched the whole time
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
