My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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