sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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