I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
