I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
