I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
