Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
My liver just had a heart attack.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
