why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
