Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
