I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
