Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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