I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
