my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
