That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
