It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
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