The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
