Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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