I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
