Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
