apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i will never coherently bang her
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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