You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
