that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
