my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Randomize
