wakey wakey hands off snakey
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
