Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
