walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
