it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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