had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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