one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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