i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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