my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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