So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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