Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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