Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
