I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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