youre lurking in front of me
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
