Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
