I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
