It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
