True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
How does one acquire holy water?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you donโt have to recycle anymore ๐๐
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize