totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
