no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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