I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
