I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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