um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
