did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
