I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
